i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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