if only i could text you this smell
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
