please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
