my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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