This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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