I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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