I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
