Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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