We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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