I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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