I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize