her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
