Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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