Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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