Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But break dance skills will only take you so far
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
