The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
