why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
