Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
