She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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