i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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