Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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