Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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