If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
