Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize