Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
