What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
