I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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