I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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