So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
