First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
