i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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