I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
