I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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