Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
