Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize