and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
