Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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