I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
