If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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