grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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