Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
