I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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