The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize