I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I feel like a drive thru vagina
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
