she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
