Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize