I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
