If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
