He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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