yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
