Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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