The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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