Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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