i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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