I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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