nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
