Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
