yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
