i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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