i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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