That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We are all done wearing pants today
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize