did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
