Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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